Updated: Aug 22
It feels that the theme of my learning for a number of years now has been Trust and Surrender. The times we find ourselves in seem to call me into a depth of these learnings to a level that I have not explored, and sometimes I find it all a bit overwhelming, to tell the truth. I feel incredibly grateful that over the past years I have spent so much time and determination on my personal growth and resilience, for it is this that carries me through the panic that threatens to burst forth anytime I hear of the latest news about vaccines and lockdowns and all that seems to be swirling in an eddy of confusion creating my own personal inner conflict.
The fear is lurking all over the internet, there to tempt me into its hold, and while I know these are very real things that are happening in the world, I feel I must somehow hold my strength. To do this I must avoid reading and watching too much; I must step lightly when in conversation and keep myself focused on finding the peace within myself. This is often easier said than done as I traverse these realms of emotion that rise in me. Years ago, I had a dreamlike vision of being separated from my family with no easy way of getting to them, and here I am living this experience in this very moment. Perhaps the extent of the vision shall not come to pass and then, I have moments, where I think "what if they do?"
It seems, at times, far easier to collapse into the fear-based reality than to hold myself in the light of Truth and Love with inner peace within my Heart. I notice myself moving through waves of intensity, where I must breathe through the energy coursing through me; where I must remember all that I hold in the centre of my Being; where I must remember who I am. I feel myself in a constant space of bringing myself back to the present moment and to my Heart, consciously needing to quieten the mind and focus my awareness into something musical or movement-based. How do we traverse these times? How have those that have come before us held strong? How do we ever overcome the challenges that lie before us? I guess that somehow, we just do, or we do not.
The collective unrest is ever-present throughout social media, whether for or against the particular regimes that seem to be unfolding around the world. The stark reality of necessary, yet unknown change being impressed upon us and the unknown mystery of what lies ahead all at once both frightening and exciting. What do we hold to? I feel, for myself personally, that I must find a balance that is useful in preparing for what comes and holds hope for more of us to awaken to the truth that lies within and stand up for our freedom and our human rights. I feel I must carry both the dark and light spaces within me and recognise these forces in my inner reality as well as what is being reflected into my outer reality.
I have been asking myself many questions … who am I? What is my purpose? Am I on track? Should I even be considering my choice to do all that I can to have the child I have so desperately longed for since a young girl? What if … ???
I had a dream a few nights back, I was in a detention centre with many others, men; women and children. I do not remember all of the dream, but all I know, I was in a struggle. At one point I was naked trying to make my way towards others through the sand with the wind blowing so hard that at times I was lifted off the ground and pushed back from the headway I had already made. I had to call upon the warrior within me, to push forward in the face of the brutal wind that promised that the landscape would never quite look the same again.
I wonder at the collective consciousness, this sense of feeling trapped by those that believe they are in power, the process that is unfolding before our very eyes and those that are unfolding in the dreamlike reality that we perhaps cannot quite touch just yet. I believe that it is time for many eyes to see from the innermost parts of our being. It is time for us to take responsibility in ways that we may never have done before. This is no longer about petty arguments and childish tantrum behaviours in our relationships with ourselves and others, it is about finding the fullness of who we are; recognising that we are strong and powerful; owning our ability to stand up and speak out when required; it is about finding brotherhood and sisterhood once again; letting go of all the bullshit and dropping the old ways that are founded in our suffering. We do not need to suffer in order to meet the light within us, yet we seem to choose our suffering time and time again. We do not need to feed the fire of hatred and separation but rather we must come together, we must drop our old prejudices; we must release our biases; we must meet each other in the recognition that we are ALL in this together.
We must be the change we wish to see and find the strength to stand strong in the face of basic human rights being taken from us. We must stop the arguing about who is right and who is wrong, because, in truth, it comes down to each person making the choice that is right for them. There are those that will always follow the path of least resistance, but I know that my life has been anything but smooth sailing, and I know too that I am destined to walk alongside those that choose to have a choice; a voice and a life on their own terms. I will NOT succumb to putting poisons into my body. I will NOT be told that in order to exist in this world I must conform to a regime that controls me and all that I do. I will NOT be defined by what is expected of me by others that do not fit into all that I see for myself.
I AM A SOVEREIGN BEING!
The pendulum swings large and wide. It offers up every possible energy in motion (emotion) and one moment I feel at peace with Love in my Heart and the next I feel the ferocity of defiance rise and expand, and other times the heaviness wells up and pours tears of hopelessness down my cheeks and then I must just surrender.
This year has been filled with all manner of events on a personal level in amongst all this craziness and I recognise the cyclical nature of life at play. The deeper we dive into ourselves, the more we will continue to find. The spiral of learning will always return us to an opportunity to deepen into that which we think we already understand. We have these moments of profound awakening and awe and sometimes we can believe that we now know all there is to know about something in particular, yet life always shows us more of everything. I feel as though I have healed my past inner suffering and the suffering I now carry is that of the world and external situations that have impacted me mentally and emotionally. I feel a sense of a perspective that is of “this is being done to me” and I know that in truth “it is being done by me”. I realise that there are events that occur in my life and then there is how I deal with them. When I own this in its wholeness, when I take responsibility for how I deal with my emotional reactions to life events, I am reclaiming my power.
As I surrender to what is in my field of awareness, I allow myself to become more aware of how I am responding and where I am placing my energy. The more aware I am of this, the more I am able to reclaim the power I have vested in my beliefs and behaviours. I feel myself being stripped back, once again called to let go of everything I think I know and return to the deepest space of beginners mind I have yet to embrace. Beginners mind invites me to witness life on a level that feels so unknown and foreign, that has me both incredibly excited and inspired, and also sensing the fear of the void that I know exists somewhere in this Universe and beyond this life of illusions. I have moved through the experience of being stripped back countless times before and there is something different this time. I hold deeper wisdom now; I see and hear more deeply. I have taught myself to be more naturally aware and observing of all that is within and around me, to witness myself in all that I am being, even when I may not like what I am seeing … and then … the dance begins.
I feel the Warrior Woman in me, she whispers words to me that inspire me to reclaim my power, to reclaim the energy that I am feeding into spaces that do not feed my Soul. She has trained, I have trained, for years to walk in this world in all that I can be and somehow, I have been tripped up by fear. She tells me to be present, here; NOW … Be aware enough to know what is happening in the world but place your energy into the spaces that are needed. Language like lockdown and social-distancing have placed further invisible barriers between us in community. We have already cultivated enough racism; sexism; homophobia; and every other form of separation possible within our world, and this has been fuelled by the media to further drive us apart from the truth of who we are. The more separate we feel, the more fear we feel and the more fear we feel the more energy we place in that which we do not truly choose for ourselves.
When we open our eyes and awaken from the illusion and recognise that this life is a dream, we can bring our lucidity into the journey and we can add to this dream from the Love in our Hearts. What is it that needs to change? People must come together, community must come together, we must step away from fear and teach the true meaning of Love. We must strip back the long-held barriers and meet this life in a new way. The old ways have not served us, we have spiralled into a consumer-driven, wasteful society. With many of us sitting back watching the devastation in and of the world on our big televisions; in our nice houses and maybe sign an online petition and give a few donations here and there, all the while complaining about how terrible things are but doing nothing to change it because we think we can do nothing. In truth, we can do so much, simply starting with being aware of the way we present in the world … are we walking around holding ourselves and others in judgement; prejudice or bias, are we even conscious of our biases?
I find myself wanting to write words that belong more to the narrative of my past learnings and as I feel them rise in me I realise how shallow some of them seem though at the time they felt so incredibly deep. I just had the vision of moving through the Universe and reaching a space of the most beautiful light that is so bright it is all that can be seen until suddenly I reach the other side and realise that there is more darkness to move through when it felt as though the brilliant light was eternal. With that comes the fear of the unknown void spaces, the not-ever-knowing what you may potentially find in there and a place where all the rules of light no longer exist. It feels like traversing Wonderland, never knowing what shall come next.
And … just like Alice, my curiosity sends me deeper diving into sometimes dark and strange places, and I know that this dream is truly Wonderland.